Miracles Still Happen

Without a doubt this will be the most emotional and hardest thing I have ever written. I don't usually write anything, but I decided today would be as good as any day to begin! Why today? As I sat in church this morning, I heard God speaking to me LOUD and clear. Today's sermon was on abortion and the importance of EVERY life God created both those with and without disabilities. As Brother Mark ended, he asked the question. Are you up for the challenge? How would you respond if you were put into a situation to make this choice? Well, I have been there and had to make that choice. To abort and no one know about it or not to abort and have a child that will change my families world forever?

I am not sharing my story with you for any one of you to feel sorry for me. I want you to know I am blessed beyond what I deserve. Looking back I would not change one thing that has happened to me in the last 12 years, even the things I thought would kill me. I KNOW God has allowed my life to be the way it is so that I can share the miracles he has performed in my family. YES, Miracles still happen today. I have witnessed one first hand and it is amazing.

My darkest days have become the most rewarding time in my life. I owe this to God! I want to witness how much God loves us and really is in control. I found myself over the past years having a hard time giving it all to God and having faith because I knew He would be in total control—not me and I may not like what he had in store for my life.

I am going to share with you a journey that changed who I am, what I feel life is about and my family’s lives. I am no different than any of you, most likely I am weaker, more fearful and pessimistic but I am learning each day how important it is to have FAITH and love for our creator. I knew that one day I'd want to talk about my journey to start a family, and it's not the easiest thing that I've ever done. Today, I'm opening up a part of my heart to my friends and family that I've kept closed too long.

It would be selfish of me to not share my experience with others who may be hurting, and offer hope that there are better days and miracles still happen even today. We use the statement "I am so blessed" very loosely. Why wouldn't I feel blessed? I am blessed with children here on earth, and I'm blessed to have children in Heaven. I feel very thankful to be a mother and to hold little ones in my arms, because at one time in my life, I didn't know if I'd ever be given that opportunity.

Twelve years ago began my journey to become a mother. Jeff and I experienced 2 losses before we were given our sweet daughter Jordan. After knowing how wonderful motherhood was we decided to extend our family one more time. This wasn't as easy as we had hoped. Once again our lives were filled with grief and disappointment. I had three more miscarriages. It seemed as though Jordan would never have a brother or sister. We then thought God had another plan and that was to adopt. We were so excited. We began and completed the adoption process through Kentucky Baptist Homes for Children. It was finally going to happen, we would get another child. Little did I know I was expecting again and this time we would be given a healthy baby boy named Jonah. Our family was complete. God had given us both a daughter and son. It couldn't be any better.

God had more in mind for our family and the journey of our lifetime was about to being. In March of 2009 I learned I was expecting again. I had mixed feelings about this and knew it was unlikely I would carry this child. I immediately contacted my doctor and that is when the most challenging years of my life began.

As I sat alone waiting for my ultrasound results, I felt something was not quite right. I couldn't put my finger on it, though. Every doctor's visit up to ten weeks had been normal for me but it seemed as though this time it would be plagued with problems. After waiting for what seemed like hours my doctor finally arrived in the exam room. My heart pounding and trying not to cry I could see the look of concern my doctors eyes. I had seen this doctor many times before and he had never entered the room so quietly before. I could tell this was news he did not look forward to giving anyone. I will never forget him saying "It looks like your baby has a chromosome defect, would you consider termination?" What? Termination? Chromosome defect? I didn't know what to say and fighting my tears. I couldn't even comprehend what was being said and to be asked a question about termination, a D&C? Was I suppose to answer "yes" and make another appointment for the abortion? Dr. B referred me to Maternal Fetal Medicine who specialize in high risk/fetal defect pregnancies. I went the following day to hear the exact same thing I had heard the day before. Yes, it is very likely my baby has Trisomy 13, 18 or 21. They were making the assumption from his Nuchal Fold measurement which was well above average. This is extra skin located on the neck of the baby. The only way to know for sure was to do the CVS testing. Personally, I did not want the testing but my family felt it would be best. So, I was ready as I could be just to get it over. I was prepared for the test (as much as I could have been) but when the doctor began the test she realized it was too risky for my health and for the baby. So, we chose to wait until I could have an amnio. This meant I would be waiting almost 2 months wondering what was wrong with my baby. I was seen weekly and told every visit something that would be wrong and that if I didn't chose to terminate his quality of life would not be good. The staff at MFM offered abortion to me every week. I told them repeatedly this was not an option. One nurse told me that no one would ever know I made that choice. She went into detail how I could abort and the entire story I could tell everyone. I was a wreck the day I left the doctor's visit. At another visit, when I was about 26 weeks, I overheard the nurse telling my husband (while I was in the restroom) about a doctor in Atlanta that would still perform the abortion for us if I changed my mind. Thank goodness I heard Jeff say..."She has already told you all, this is NOT AN OPTION!"

At ultrasound visits in my first/second/third trimester we were told his nuchal fold was several times greater than normal, he had chord plexus cyst on his brain, club foot, missing nasal bone, missing bones in both 5th digit fingers on both hands, poly hydramnios (excess fluid) which would mean he would not be able to digest his food normally, fluid around his lungs, likely a heart defect and his arms and legs measure more than one month behind the measurement of his body. Basically, he was a monster and we would be WRONG to allow a child like this to be born into this world. Despite all of the negative information, Jeff and I decided against any invasive testing, including the amnio I had been waiting for, in part because of my risk of miscarriage and blood clotting. But most of all because it did not matter to me what defects he would have because I would love him unconditionally regardless. Avoiding testing also let us live with the illusion that all the frightening prenatal predictions could be wrong. It gave us hope. I read daily the scripture Phil 4:4 - Be anxious for nothing

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; I let my request be known to God repeating this over and over and over and over......

I was struggling with the fact I needed to give it ALL to God. I was so scared of what that might mean and I had already grown to love this baby even if he would be a deformed monster with "no quality of life". He was still my child and not theirs!

At 27 weeks I was admitted into the hospital. My placenta (the organ that nourishes the baby) was restricted. It was not giving the baby the nourishment he needed nor the blood flow he needed to survive. The ultrasounds were showing he wasn't growing and was measuring a more than a month behind. They were now telling us he would likely be stillborn. All this and NOW STILLBORN??? Okay, God...I am strong but I really don't think I can take much more. At this point I had already had 38 ultrasounds and felt like I knew every detail my child had and I loved every single one. I began steroid shots and remained on hospital bedrest until he was born at 34 weeks. He was born emergency c-section on October 20. I was so terrified. This was no doubt the scariest day in my life. The doctors had prepared us for the MONSTER and now I was told he would likely not be breathing and I would not be allowed to see him. He might not live. He was 6 weeks premature and born screaming! GOD IS WONDERFUL!!!!

As suspected, the baby was showing strong markers for Down Syndrome. His cute little slanted eyes and perfectly shaped face were not anything like a monster I was prepared to see. I knew the moment I saw his sweet face he had Trisomy 21 and NOT Trisomy 18. I had such mixed emotions. I was thankful he was alive, thankful he didn't have Trisomy 18 but I cannot lie, I was disappointed the doctors were not 100% wrong. For a moment, I expected a miracle, a baby that was in our world perfect! Well, little did I know at that moment, I was given BETTER THAN PERFECT! The test were conducted and I would have to wait a couple of days for the official results.

I will never forget the day I would be faced with the absolute truth. The fate of my child, my life, my family's life. As I sat alone, pumping milk for my new born son, in a dark hospital room, with my back turned to the doctor who had just entered the room, I heard the him utter the words “as we knew he has Trisomy 21/ Down Syndrome, this just confirms it”. Then he turned and walked away. No support, just me alone in the dark hospital room while my baby with Down Syndrome was down the long hallway. My husband miles away with my other children and my friends a phone call away. I really wanted to be ALONE to grieve. Many thoughts went through my head. I felt myself grieving for the child I wanted him to be. Although I felt prepared to hear this, this made it real. My son has been diagnosed with Down Syndrome for sure. What would life be like for us from this point on?

When he was born he spent only 3 weeks in the NICU. His main concern was learning to feed, hold his own temp, jaundice and gaining weight.

He has been hospitalized several times for things such as bronchiolitis, multiple pneumonias, GERD, enlarged heart/liver, tonsillectomy, tubes in both ears, adenoids removed, possible seizures, aspirations and is facing heart surgery and nissen fundoplaction and mic-key surgery within a few weeks.

This is why I have chosen to blog! I want to share the journey of John and I want to remember in every way God has been there for us. I want to begin documenting all of his challenges so that he can teach me what it is like to be strong, to hold your head up high, to love everyone even on days we don't feel our best. He is my hero, my teacher and my MIRACLE!